you ended things with me today. i woke up and saw that you had blocked me,but not everywhere. you told me you couldn't bring yourself to block me everywhere, to ghost me. you deleted our entire chat history and you told me you had been thinking about this for a week. you planned on blocking me everywhere and ghosting me. i think i might have died if you did that. i hold out hope that you will come back to me, our love is too strong, i don't think you can really leave me, so i will keep writing to you. you said i'm too old for you, that you won't get to accomplish all your dreams being with me, you want to have more than 5 kids and you don't think i will be able to give that to you and you would rather sacrifice what we have and be with someone you love less, someone you desire less, just to be achieve this. i don't know what to think or say and i don't believe that, we argued about it and you said you know i'm not fourty five and i'm not some eggless hag but you insisted you'd made your decision. i wonder if it is because you like the drama? women always tell me, never love a man too much. they love the chase. you asked me to give myself to you fully and i said yes, and now you are abandoning me. i cried so hard in the car on the way home i had to pull over. i wonder if you loved our chase so much you had to create more drama with me, to keep the fire alive. you said you loved me so much you had to erase me entirely. you can't recreate that you know. it's a once in a lifetime thing, my love. i love you so much that i burned you into my soul. i will never erase you. i'll never forget your words and your voice and the shape of it and i will memorialise your words to me somewhere, even if you never come back to me. you ruined my moleskine you bastard. i will have to go buy another one now. was it really all just words J? was it all just a ploy for validation and attention? to have a girl obsess over you so that you feel better about yourself for a while? i don't believe it. i don't want to believe it. we had real intimacy. just yesterday you told me our souls are married, you meant that. i know it. you can never undo what we had. you will never find it with another girl. i understand you. if you refuse to stay with me i may have to consult a voodoo priestess on how to make you stay. i'm just kidding, sorry. sort of. i won't actually do that, don't worry. i'm just acting out because you are pulling away from me and i left you 56 offline messages you refuse to respond to because i can't even imagine us not speaking anymore even though we haven't known each other that long. i don't want to go back to how life was before you. nothing you said to me on the 23rd of august deserves to be written by my hand in this book, in my shrine to our love. mixed in with your beautiful poetry and your love notes to me and my love notes to you. i wish i could erase those words from the world and go back to when you weren't stubbornly trying to leave me. you keep fawning over me but insisting that you must leave. i don't want you to leave. i will make it as diffficult on you as possible. i am currently drinking my tea with a spoon like it is soup & wondering what you would say if you could see me doing this, if you still wanted me. you'd say "what are you doing my little girl let me feed you your tea" & then watching me sip tea from a spoon in front of you would make you want to sweep me away to bed. that is if you still wanted me. if the left hand side of this book never has any writing on it again, that's because we never spoke again and you abandoned me forever and ruined my heart soul mind life etcetera. J my love, i love you so much please come back to me after you finish work. please just give me a chance. don' do this to my little heart. it's only been one day but i know, i can't be without you. i want you to come back to me i want to punish you for this. i want to love you. i want to run my hands through your hair and hold you. i want to forgive you. i want you to feel my forgiveness and feel my love for you wash over you and cleanse you. i want to give you everything you want. i want to ease all of your suffering, i want to breathe life into you and hold you forever. we were built for the long haul-freight train. i should stop obsessively writing to you and go to sleep so i can heal this cold, but first i will light my own cigarette & imagine your hands around my lighter, sheilding my face from the cold wind. it clicks & i inhale. i hand it to you & you inhale. we never break eye contact. i'm smiling. you are smiling. i don't know if my head rush is the nicotine or my love for you. i wish you would kiss me. you read my mind and kiss me while we are both still smiling. i know you well enough to know this is exactly how it would play out, if you were here. all my anger towards you would soften into love and smoke. sharing a cigarette, a heart and a soul. together at last. i spend all of my time here. you are inside me twenty four slash seven. i listen to the rain & the wind and i think of you. maybe if i stop, you will miss me. maybe i am just recharging you by doing this & making you think you can redirect my energy elsewhere. i should really punish you for this. i am putting you down now and going to bed. this has been the worst day of my life. since i have decided to ignore you until you come to your senses, i will just continue to write to you until you come back to me properly. i am eating cereal and thinking of you. how you don't like to eat grain, how you hate bread, everything reminds me of you. i can't eat a steak without thinking about your eating habits. i can't see the number twenty without thinking of you, saying to me. "why are you leaving in twenty my sultry girl. just stay with me." the way you wrote "twenty" instead of using the numbers the rhythym of the sentence. something you threw out so quickly, when you were pouting about me having to get out of bed. my heart is overcome with love for you any time i think about it and i feel like im bursting at the seams with love constantly because all i can do is think about your words and your voice. we never even touched, skin to skin. but we touched in more meaningful ways. you're gone from my life and now all i can do is watch you tweet from afar, like i never even existed as part of your soul. i wish i could lock you up and save you from your superego. come now. i'm not leaving because you aren't difficult enough okay. you don't have to act like this. you are so cute. if only things were different i know you think i am starting a fight with you because you know that i think this is just about your craving for the drama, for the obsessive love. but i really am just hurt now. i don't want you to keep flirting with me and break my heart all over again. everything in this world is right again because you came back to me, finally. there's a money question, a time question, a where do we live if we have children question. we would need visas, work, places to stay. i'm only saying that all that combined with some time between our first two visits. the time til you get pregnant and then the likelihood of being able to have more babies is unlikely. i'm not saying you are eggless or anything. i just need time to figure this out and how it'll work. it might be impossible. we are arguing. i pulled your favourite line back on you. "you stupid bitch" i think you found it cute and you told me to stop being a brat. you deserve my insolance right now though, you are honestly infuriating me, you should never give up true love for silly reasons. do you really think you would even be happy as a father of 7? i am selfish all the way down. in the pit of hell i will not be tortured by my conscience i will only argue that i am special and deserve an exception. so true my love. i would be right there next to you arguing with you. for you. god you are perfect. you understand me and are connected to me. because our souls burn similarly. we've rekindled our sexual connection and i don't care about any of my heart break right now, all i care about is you connecting to me. you remembering that i am someone you can never replace. i need you to feel your lust for me fully, to let it control you so that you can't stay away from me. i'm sorry, i don't want to have to manipulate you but we belong together. you should be here with me. i love how you do that. to please and pleasure you while doing impressive things. men don't impress you often and that makes me proud to have impressed you. you annoy me you impress me, the duality of man. you are my stallion. i am punishing you for trying to leave me by refusing to show myself to you right now. i want you to want me more. you keep telling me to behave and do as you sayand i'm being a brat about it because i like driving you insane. because when i'm driving you insane your mind is stuck on me and not on silly things like your need to have 7 children with some stupid woman you don't love, how could you love anyone else as much as me? you say you're going to hate fuck me, i tell you you'll just be rewarding me.